Resigned Faces??

finding it very difficult to finish the book...The Other Hand..........it feels like the book has developed a hand of its own and slowly methodically is squeezing my gut in a such a way that all i feel is like a mass of pain....blinding pain like a white hot pincer driven under my nail...

what scares me more is that in such a long time i havent cried like my heart will break and eventhough this book threatens to demolish the dam to those pent up feelings...it never quite strikes with that ferocity...

makes me wonder at times that have i lost the ability to feel totally...to be human and weep like i would die?

if i honestly answer that question id say...I DONT KNOW...

AFTERNOON BLUES

restful lassitude---the view from my room gets better as the days go by......smacks of pure and unadulterated LAZY

Its incredibly unsettling when your choices are wrong...it raises a huge question on your decisions...and although we all say "we dont care what the world thinks about us", we all do care.

i have made some wrong decisions in my time...and as i ruminate on them and look at them objectively i don't see them as a learning experience...the same situation like lightning never strikes in the same place.

my worst decisions have been about people...how can someone whom you thought about in one wa suddenly become a total antithesis of what you thought.i would say now in retrospect ...that i read the person wrong...is that good?
will my decisions always be like this? will i ever be able to see people for what they are?

i guess some of us are just born with it...and foolishly the rest of us believe age and maturity bestows these gifts on us.a clear case of living in a fool's paradise :)

i can only live in hope...and laugh at myself when i stumble...lol

DARK is good!

Some people will argue this world is made up of equal parts darkness and light. Somehow I feel we like creating illusions of light in a world dominated by darkness. My logic follows from a line of thought which states – would we need to emphasize the ‘Light’ so over excessively as we do in our day to day lives if we weren’t petrified of being swallowed up by darkness. I know to most people who have read this post this far this must sound like a whole lot of gibberish.
Maybe it is…but somehow I’ve always noted that periods of pain in my life had made me come alive and take notice of things like never before. In our aseptic, well ordered lives driven by well deliberated goals…we tend to shelve our basic feelings completely if possible. Isn’t it better to not feel than feel only deep heartrending soul shattering pain?
Am reading this book that takes me into a world governed by darkness, each word is dripping with all the emotions we tend to shun like the mark of a weakling…
Pain…trauma…indifference…sheer terror…everything guaranteed to age you in the span of those 378 odd pages.i could cry as I read the book but the magnitude of pain encapsulated in those meager pages is so much that even tears would be mildly insulting. Am just letting it wash over me like a huge waves…never was any good at skimming the surface.
For you interested in celebrating being alive… the book is entitled
THE OTHER HAND by CRIS CLEAVE
And yes I am a Masochist in a way 

NAUTICAL MILES...off Marine drive....9_1_10